


Darkness Within Her

by jhunieilarde



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, F/M, Movie: The X-Files: I Want to Believe (2008)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:13:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29379042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhunieilarde/pseuds/jhunieilarde
Summary: As Mulder returns into the life they ran away from, Scully finds herself sinking deeper into the darkness she desperately tried to escape for years...(set in IWTB with alterations...)
Relationships: Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	1. Same Old

**Author's Note:**

> i wanted some heavy angst for MSR and what better way to do it than pull up iwtb era on my fave couple to torture them both...

_I don’t want that darkness in my home…_

When she said that, she meant not just the specific darkness of the job coming into their home but all darkness that the job has pulled into their lives once. It took her years to get over it. It took her years to move one and when she’s finally starting to function like a doctor and not Special Agent Dana Katherine Scully, Mulder wanted to take the favor he’s doing the FBI further. He wanted to finish the case. It’s just meant to be a consultation but no, that’s not enough for Fox Mulder.

She should have known when she brought it to his attention. All she wanted is for him to be a free man. She wanted him to get out of the house without worrying that he’ll be apprehended and thrown into a cell again. She should have known that he had waited solid 6 years for it to come his way again. Mulder is an addict for action, for chasing the truth, and she handed him his drugs just like that. Now, she finds herself being dragged into the void again at the worst time in her life.

Her patient is on the verge of dying. Everyone at the hospital is willing to let him go, to just give up. William’s birthday is coming up and her son is somewhere else to celebrate with another woman as his mother. Her own mother still refuses to talk to her. Her brothers couldn’t even last five minutes on the phone with her. She feels like falling apart and the temptation of just diving into the darkness is so strong, to just drown her sorrows with more darkness and death as possible until she’s numb.

Mulder accepted her ending their relationship just like that. She told him she’s not coming home if darkness will invade their house and he chose work over her. That hurts her the most. She’s been well acquainted with pain all her life but Mulder has always been her touchstone, her constant. Whenever she feels like falling, she relies on him. When he’s on the verge of losing himself, they cling to each other and they managed to survive. It hurts to know that he does not need her the way she needs him. Same old Fox Mulder.

Standing in the living room of their unremarkable house, Scully has never felt more empty in her life. It’s William’s birthday and Mulder is out there chasing clues coming from a pedophile priest. The weight on her chest is getting heavy by the minute until she couldn’t breathe and she fell on her knees. Where is Mulder? She needs Mulder right now. Every year on this very same day, she always feels like falling apart and he will be right there with her to catch her, to tell her that what she did was the right thing to do in order to keep their son safe and alive. Where is he now? She had fallen and he’s nowhere near her to catch her. She is bordering on having a panic attack when her phone rings. Pulling herself back together took her five minutes.

“Scully”, she always answered the phone like she still works at the bureau, an old habit.

“Is this Dr. Dana Scully?” asked by a woman’s voice.

“Yes. Who is this?” she asked back.

“There has been an car accident. The vehicle is registered under your name…” that’s all she heard before she found herself dialing frantically for Skinner’s number.

Mulder had taken her car. She got home via cab and since their house is located in the farm, catching a cab at this hour is near impossible.

Skinner arrived fifteen minutes later. She quickly jumped in and asked him to start driving fast.

“Jesus Dana, you looked like you went through a war”, he commented.

They have not seen each other in years and the first time she called him is to drag him as well into the darkness that she was dragged in.

“I’ve been in a war for years now, Walter”, she replied.

The man failed to respond to that. He can see the weariness in her as clear as day and he’s surprised to find her in such state considering she’s out of the bureau. She and Mulder are supposed to be free but seeing her now, she looks far from being free. She looks trapped.

“I thought you and Mulder are out of this life”, he said.

“I thought so too…apparently, I was wrong”, she replied coldly.

When they arrived at the scene, Scully fought the urge to cry upon seeing her car upside down. It’s not that she’s upset that her car was ruined. She fears of Mulder’s safety.

“Maybe he ran to the woods…you know Mulder”, Skinner said to try and pacify her but it’s cold outside. If he tries to make a run for it, he’ll not last.

“We need to find him”, she said and hopped inside the car.

Her brain is replaying the priest’s words in her head. She’s not one for believing his bullshits but she’s desperate. She needs to find Mulder. Her phone keeps ringing but she kept on declining the hospital’s calls until she decided to turn her phone off. She needs to find Mulder. When her eyes caught one of the Father Joe, she did not bother waiting for Skinner as she made a run for it.

It all happened so fast. She heard grunting and when her eyes landed on Mulder on the ground, a man hovering on top of him with axe on his hand ready to chop off Mulder’s. Scully called the man and hit him with a piece of wood she managed to get her hands on. She should have stopped at that. He’s down. She should check on Mulder but adrenaline is rushing through her veins, pumping her into action. She suppressed this side of her for so long and now, it’s coming out. Her eyes landed on the gun disregarded on the ground. Her body moved on its own, picked up the gun, and before Skinner could stop her, she started firing the weapon on the man until the magazine is empty.

“Scully…” Skinner’s voice pulled her back to reality and her eyes focused on the man’s very dead body in front of her.

The gun is still warm in her hands. _What has she done?_ she thought to herself but it’s quicky drowned when Mulder made a sound. She dropped the weapon and went to him quickly to assess his condition.

“He’s drugged and he’s cold”, she observed before taking her coat off and putting on him.

Skinner wanted to make sense of what he just saw but the commotion inside the house made him delay it for a moment to check what’s happening inside. The sight almost gave him a heart attack. A man’s head on a woman’s body. A woman subdued on water full of ice with a cut on her neck, tubes on her arms. He wanted to throw up but he pulled himself together, locked the mad scientists inside the box before calling Scully to help the girl. He frowned when she got in and saw what he saw. There’s no hint of surprise or shock in her eyes. There’s no emotion or any response to the sight of horror before them. She’s working on autopilot. She even instructed him to go outside and help Mulder while she fixed the girl.

Scully couldn’t feel anything even if she tries. She knows what to do, how to do it, she just can’t feel any sympathy for the girl she’s treating, anger for the people inside the box, or guilt over the man she just shot multiple times to death. One thing is running in her mind right now: _she murdered a man in cold blood on the day of her son’s birthday._

\----------------------------------

Calvary arrived half an hour later and everyone involved was arrested. The girl survived and was brought to the hospital along with Mulder. It was then she found out that her patient died an hour earlier. It was the reason the hospital was calling her. She knew she could have saved him if she was able to get in the hospital on time. There’s hope for the boy but Father Ybarra reaffirmed his earlier statement on her that the boy was not meant to survive. She felt her blood boiling, her first emotion since saving Mulder. How can a priest say that to a boy? Who is he to determine who is meant to survive and who’s not? Isn’t a contradicting to the image he represents? Once again, she finds herself questioning her faith.

“I’m so sorry for your loss”, Father Joe said.

She did not even know how she gets inside his room or why. Her feet just took her there.

“Are you really?” she asked.

“Of course, I am. I know how much he means to you”, he answered.

She scoffed.

“You don’t know me. You don’t know what I feel right now”, she said.

“…but I do. You feel an immense amount of anger right now. You’re angry at me, at Father Ybarra, at those Russian doctors, at Mulder, at the world…even at God”, he responded.

Scully clenches her fists.

“I think I am way past anger at this point”, she muttered.

Father Joe stared at her curiously and sighed.

“I don’t know if this helps but…happy birthday to your son”, she stiffened, “You would have been a great mother, Dr. Scully. I have no doubt in my mind about that”,

Did Mulder tell him about William? She suddenly turns around and started walking.

“Don’t give up, Dr. Scully”, he repeated what he said to her that night.

She stopped and turned back around.

“I did not. I listened to you and saved Mulder and in return, that boy died and I killed that man. It’s not a matter of whether I give up or not. I just don’t have a choice anymore when it comes to my life. It was never in my control for most part of it”, she said before leaving his room.

\------------------------------------

While waiting for Mulder to wake up, she’s been drafting her resignation letter to the hospital twelve times now. She cannot see herself working there anymore after what happened. She cannot work with people who appoint themselves as judge on who gets to live and don’t. She just couldn’t find the right words for it.

“Scully…”

She looked up and saw Mulder watching her write.

“How are you feeling?” she asked automatically.

“I’ve been better…what happened?” he answered then asked.

She wished she can just wake up like that with no recollection of what happened in her life.

“We saved the girl. The Russian doctors were arrested”, she answered briefly.

“Dacyshyn?”

She swallowed.

“He’s dead”,

“Oh…” escaped Mulder’s lips. “I guess that means the case is closed”, he muttered.

She held the pen tighter. That’s his first thought when he wakes up…the case. He did not even bother asking her how she’s feeling seeing him on a hospital bed again or finding him few seconds away from getting chopped off. The work always comes first.

“I guess so”, she replied bitterly.

He frowned at her reaction. He saw her walls came back up in a flash.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” she did not answer, “Listen…I’m sorry that I took off just like that. I am sorry I ruined your car—”

She started laughing.

“You think I am thinking about the car?” he averted his gaze, “Do you know what I saw when I found you? Dacyshyn was about to chop off your head, Mulder! He was about to kill you and I couldn’t help myself from thinking that if I arrived five seconds late, you would be dead right now…and you think I am upset about the fucking car?” she exclaimed.

It’s rare for Scully to swear but when she does, he knows she’s feeling way too much. Then it clicked to him. He started to remember what put Scully on edge like this. They brushed with death so many times and the sight of each other in hospital has never been enough to bring themselves to the state that Scully’s in right now. There’s more that’s causing her to be on the verge of exploding. He remembered the day.

“Shit…it’s William’s birthday”, he muttered.

The shift was so fast. One moment, she’s so worried sick about him and then the next, her stoic face is on.

“Well, technically it was yesterday but who cares anyway, right? We were able to close the case, catch the bad guy, right? Everything else pales in comparison”,

“Scully—”

“Get some rest, Mulder. I’ll check in with your doctor”, she cut him off and left.


	2. Breakfast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Valentine's Day and I'm giving you angst...yes, it's my gift to you all.

Mulder was finally able to come home. Father Joe has died from his illness and his name was painted dirtier than before. Of course, that angered Mulder even more. Scully? She stood by the door taking every word he’s throwing her way. He spat how she’s unable to believe despite everything they went through. She wanted to tell him that she did believe Father Joe. She acted on that belief and it saved his life but it cost that little boy his. He does not need to know that. Mulder is alive. That’s all that matters. No matter how bad their situation is or how bad she’s in right now, she needs Mulder. She needs him like an addict depends on drugs. The thought of him being dead in that filthy barn scared her to the point of wanting to go back in time and ripping that man to shreds for hurting him.

“Scully?”

She was pulled back from her trance only to find Mulder staring at her with concern in his eyes. It’s been a long time since he saw him looking at her like that. Usually, it’s the other way around because he’s been completely preoccupied by his search for something that’s no longer there.

“I’ll make some breakfast”, was all she was able to say before she left his office and went straight into the kitchen.

She did not realize that Mulder had followed her. He watched her from the living room as she scoured the fridge for anything to cook. When she got her hands on a couple of eggs, she started chopping things on the counter, forcing herself to be fully into cooking and not thinking of anything else.

“Scully”, he called from behind her.

“Yes, Mulder?” she answered without looking at him.

She can feel his eyes burning a hole on her back and she doesn’t want to see how he’s looking at her this time.

“Why aren’t you at the hospital? You’re usually out by this hour”, he asked.

So he did notice her routine after all? She thought that her presence only makes its appearance known to him by sundown, when he’s tired from surfing the internet for anything suspicious or going page to page on the newspaper for clues.

“…because I no longer works at Our Lady of Sorrows Hospital. I resigned”, she answered casually.

Mulder stiffened.

“When?”

“…day before you got discharged”,

“Why? I mean, you said you love your job there”, he followed up.

“Well, it appears I’ve lost that love apparently”, she turned on the stove and started cooking.

He still cannot believe what he’s hearing. He remembered begging Scully to find work closer to home with less hours during the first few months she started working there and she told him that they needed her help, that the kids in there needed her help.

“What happened, Scully? What about that boy, your patient?”

He saw her stopped moving for a second before brushing it off and resumed with her chore. He waited for her because he knows she’s just gathering courage to speak and answer his question.

“Christian died”, she answered briefly but her tone told him there’s more to it than that.

He had listened to her complained about how unfair it was for that boy to suffer such illness. He knows she thought of William while caring for that boy. She mentioned how the hospital wanted to give up on him even though she thought he still got a chance.

“I’m so sorry, Scully. When did he die? I can come with you to the funeral if you want”, he offered. It’s the least he can do.

She sighed and worked faster.

“That’s okay. He was already buried. He died the night I found you”, she sighed once more, “I don’t want to talk about this”,

“Okay, hold up. Why are you keeping this all to yourself, Scully? I thought we had an agreement. We had a deal. We tell each other everything, remember? We don’t hide anything, even our emotions. Why did you keep this from me? It’s been three days already”, he fired up.

It’s a deal they made when he’s falling into the pit of depression. He had lashed out to her multiple times and it wasn’t pretty. There were no other people he would trust to speak his mind to than her so they came up with the solution. They would become each other’s therapist. If they feel something’s off or upsetting, they let each other know so they wouldn’t resort to keeping it all in until they implode and then explode and ends up hurting each other. It worked for years…until now.

Scully shut her eyes and hastily turned off the stove and threw the pan into the sink before turning towards him with fury in her eyes.

“You want to know why I did not tell you? What was your first thought when you woke up at the hospital after you almost died, huh? You asked me of Dacyshyn. You asked me of the case. Did you ask me how it felt to find you about to be murdered on our son’s birthday no less?” her voice is so loud they’re lucky they don’t have neighbors around, “I remembered that deal, Mulder, and I intended to keep it but it was not me who broke it. When that case landed on your lap, you forgot about our agreement, about our life together, the life we made here. I asked you several times to let it go but you refused. When you came into the hospital, I honestly thought you came there to check on me, to check on how I was doing after Christian’s surgery but you weren’t there because of me. You were there for the case and when I refused to get involved, you implored me to be involved, completely disregarding what I was going through with my own life…”

“…and you told you weren’t coming home”,

“Yes, and you accepted it just like that”, Mulder paused. Was it a test for him when she said that? “I was not making you choose at the time but when you walked out of that room, it informed me what comes first in your life and it was not me, it was not the life we built in this house. Maybe you’ll say it is now but when another case comes your way again, all of this will be outranked”,

“That’s not true, Scully”, he muttered.

She arched a brow at him.

“Isn’t it? Haven’t we had this dance before, Mulder? I know you care about me. I don’t question that. I’ll never question that. I also know that I share you with something else and that’s work. I’ve always been sharing you with your work, when I’m throwing everything I have to run after you”, she pursed her lips and blinked away the tears, “You want to know when Christian died? That night, I got a call from the police that a car registered under my name was involved in an accident. I was here that night waiting for you. I was falling apart, Mulder, and I had hoped that any moment you would be walking through that door to catch me but you were in an accident”,

Mulder is guilty of that. In his pursuit to save that girl and to stop those monsters from killing more people, he had forgotten their son’s birthday and what it does to Scully.

“I called Skinner and while we’re in the car trying to find you, the hospital called. I ignored it…repeatedly, until I turned my phone off because my only focus at the time was to find you”, he swallowed, “They were calling about Christian. If I had answered, they would have asked me to come to the hospital and if I did, I would have been able to save him but I would have lost you…and I chose you, Mulder. I listened to Father Joe. I believed in a pedophile priest and saved your life but at the expense of Christian’s. So, that’s the whole truth of that night. I resigned from the hospital because I couldn’t take working there anymore. I did not hide anything from you, Mulder. You just stopped asking and listening to me. That’s all”, she poured out with all her might.

Mulder was dumbfounded. Has he really been that blind the past few weeks? He admits that when he started with the case that he got excited, that the thrill of crime solving reinvigorated something in him that he thought he’d lost for years. He felt needed, wanted, has a purpose. He felt amazing in doing something that he’s good at. It felt like coming home to him. Just like what he had said to Scully, it’s his life. It’s who he’s always been even before he met her.

_You made me a better person…_

His own words echoed in his mind. He had said those to her and he meant every word of it. He may have been that person before he met her but she had changed him into a better person over the years. She had questioned him, challenged him, took care of him, protected him, threw away her life for him, carry their son and gave him up to save him when he was not there to do it himself.

“I’m sorry, Scully”, he has been a fool and he knows it. He had let the rush of being back in action clouded his mind and let her down completely. “I couldn’t take it all back even if I try. I’m sorry that I hurt you and failed you. I cannot promise that I will never hurt you again but I can promise that I will try to be better for you”, he apologized.

The fight left her body. She’s been holding it all in for days and she exploded in front of him. Of course, she knows this won’t be the last they’re going to fight or argue but she can see that he meant what he had promised. Does the future scare her? Absolutely. All she knows is that she can’t be away from Mulder.

“Okay…”

“Okay?”

“You’re forgiven”,

“Just like that?”

“…if you’ll make breakfast. I, uh…I sort of threw it into the sink…and I’m starving”, she answered.

Mulder smiled while fighting the tears from falling. He truly does not deserve this woman. He closed the distance between them and pulled her into his arms.

“I love you, Scully”, he muttered.

He knows words alone are not enough to make up for his shortcomings but it’s a start.

“I love you too, Mulder…please, don’t scare me again like that. I can’t lose you too”, she admits.

Is it something he can promise? He’s not sure so he pressed a kiss on her forehead instead.

“Go sit down while I make breakfast. I would very much like to be forgiven”, he replied instead.

She smiled at him before nodding and proceeding at the sofa.

\-----------------------------------

“So, any plans for job?” he asked while they’re having breakfast.

Scully feels better now that she’s able to tell him what she’s been carrying in her chest for days.

“I talked with Skinner. He’s offering me my post back at the academy”, she answered.

That earned her a frown.

“Quantico? I thought you don’t want to go back to the bureau anymore?” he followed up.

She shrugged and drank her coffee.

“Mulder, I think that’s too late for that now. Don’t you think?” she muttered.

What does she mean? He’s aware that the case was a one-time deal for his freedom. It’s not like they’re back to being agents again…are they?

“I don’t understand”, he said.

“This kind of life does not suit you, Mulder. We both know that. Your office has been driving you crazy and what else are you going to do? Skinner said the choice is yours. You can work full-time or part-time depends on your decision. Me…well, I don’t want to work with priest and nuns anymore so I would prefer cutting dead bodies again. It’s less stressful than dealing with them”, she explained.

He suddenly noticed that she’s not wearing her cross necklace anymore. Something is not right.

“Scully, we don’t need to go back to the bureau. I can find something else to do”, she arched her eyebrow, “I can. You don’t have to be in the FBI to be a pathologist. We can find something else”, he said.

“…and if we can’t?”

“Give me time to figure it out. Don’t give Skinner an answer yet. Let me find something and then we can decide”, he proposed.

She thought about it for a minute before nodding.

“Alright…let’s do it your way, Mulder”, she agreed and they resumed with their breakfast.

**Author's Note:**

> Any thoughts so far?


End file.
